Failure?
It’s hard to not think of yourself as failing when you’re not doing any acting when you’re supposed to be an actor. In my last blog entry, I wrote about how much effort it takes just to try and get to the audition stage of jobs, and when you don’t even get that far, it can be incredibly disheartening.
I’m incredibly grateful for every single acting job that I have had, but people don’t understand that when you’re struggling away at the bottom of the pile, that you’re not actually earning a great deal of money, if any at all. I miss money! I spent the majority of four years travelling the UK and Ireland doing theatre-in-education shows. Before I started them, it wasn’t something that I wanted to do, but I learned a lot from each job, made some fantastic friends, and was fortunate enough to be asked back by almost every company for more jobs. And the money was good! I just got bored of living out of a suitcase and feeling like I didn’t really have a home.
When I gave up touring, I foolishly thought that it would be easy to get work now that I had a fair few credits on my CV, but it has been a hard slog. I’ve absolutely loved the jobs that I’ve had, and they have been opportunities that I would never have had if I was still waking up at 5am to drive for 2 hours to a school to perform for kids that didn’t want to be there, and being at home has meant that I’ve got to spend more time with my friends who are the most important people in my life.
It’s just that it can drag you down when you go out and see people who you haven’t seen for a while who ask you what you’re up to, and you have to tell them ‘nothing’. I recently received a Facebook invitation to a school reunion, which scared the pants off me for a few reasons. The first one being that I feel old! Surely I can’t be at that age now where I’m having reunions, they’re for old people aren’t they? I haven’t reached 30 yet! The other main reason for shuddering with despair is what I’ll have to say to people when we meet up again. I’m in the minority, being one of the very people from my year at school who are not married, have children or are divorced (I kid you not). My Facebook feed is full of people clutching their newborns, or playing with their toddlers, or even being chuffed that their child has got into their chosen school. Every week there is a new engagement or wedding, and I can barely recognise half the names on there any more due to my female friends wedded name changes.
So what am I going to say when I turn up to my reunion? “Hi, you probably don’t remember me because I was distinctly average, but I’m now an actress. No, you haven’t seen me in anything…” Cue awkward silence before people get their phones out and show me their wedding photos and endless pics of their offspring with food all around their faces and stuffing toys into their mouths.
I’ve just been watching Top Gear this evening, and the boys have been in Africa. I was watching it enviously, wishing that I was in a different country. Just for a holiday. But I can’t even afford a passport at the minute, let alone afford to jet off to the sunshine for a week. Back on the theme of weddings and I’ve also been invited to two hen do’s for two lovely friends, one of which is coming up very soon. There is the obligatory Facebook group outlining details of the event, and with talk of it costing over £100, I’m trying to find a way of saying that I can’t go without attracting too much attention to myself. The bride even offered to pay for me last night which absolutely can’t happen. That happened to me twice last year, when people had to pay for me to go to places because they wanted me to be there. It was lovely that I was wanted, but there’s always the underlying awkwardness of hoping no-one knows that you’ve had to be helped out.
Of course people will tell me to get a non-acting job, but I know that as soon I as would get one, the most perfect of acting jobs would turn up and I’d have to let people down, which I hate doing.
I went food shopping with my dad earlier this week, and we went to the till and were served by a lady that we know. My dad made his usual comments about me being lazy and doing nothing, and she said to me “Oh, are you looking for a job?” I replied with “Always!” My dad chipped in with, “Yeah, but not a proper one!” for her to reply with, “Oh, I know of one! I know that you’re going to be an actress one day, but…” which is where I stopped listening. Just because I’m not working at the minute doesn’t stop me being an actress. Just because you haven’t seen me on Downton Abbey doesn’t mean I’m not an actress. I have been working. It’s just that you haven’t seen what I’ve been doing. Get yourself to the theatre and you’re likely to see me there. Buy a ticket and I’m more likely to get paid! I’ve been acting professionally for over five years now, I’d say that I have a vague idea of what I’m doing now, and I am an actor!!
When I toured, I missed so many things from being at opposite ends of the country, but now that I’m here with no money, I still can’t do things, it’s infuriating! My course leader at university once said to us “In this industry, you either choose your career, or you choose a relationship” (which always baffled me since he was still having an acting career while being married with children), but to me it seems like I either have to choose my career, or life!
It’s far too easy to say that I’ll give acting up and get a ‘proper’ job so that once again I have money in my pocket, but I can’t. It’s the only thing I can do! My A-Level results were so bad that I can’t even remember what I got for them, I’ve pushed them out of my memory!
It will be much to the relief of the job centre that I’ve applied for two normal person jobs this week, but I’m really not happy about it!
The slog is just going to have to continue until I start getting somewhere with my life. Even if I have to live with my parents until I’m 50, I can’t give up. I’m going to have to hold my head high at my school reunion, and say “No, you haven’t seen me in anything, but watch this space, because one day I WILL be on your television snogging Jude Law”, I won’t let the Job Centre bully me into working at Poundland for no money. Even if I only get one acting job a year that maybe only lasts for half a day, at least I can still say I’m doing what I want to be doing, I’m not a failure. I’m working hard for what I want to do with my life.
Nxxx
Twitter: @nataliecastka Facebook: Natalie Castka Actor
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