Tonights blog entry comes from a heavy heart. Unfortunately yesterday, time was called on my relationship with my other half. I'm not going to get all mopey about it, it was a mutual decision, but still, sad all the same.
Annoyingly, the same thoughts have popped into my head as from when my previous two relationships ended. My course leader from my actor training once said something that has always stuck in my head. He said, "In this industry, you either choose your career, or you choose a relationship." Being a young eager student, I looked at him and thought he was talking rubbish. There he was, a married man, teaching us while still having an acting career. I thought, well if he can do it, so can I!
It seems that he was right after all. My career is to blame. Even though I'm not currently rehearsing or performing anything, it's still crept up and bitten me on the behind.
Acting is non-stop, I'm currently working my normal person job during the day, but as soon as I get home I'm onto casting websites searching for acting jobs, sending off my CV and hoping for the best. I had a day off yesterday, but the majority of it was spent driving down the country's motorways for an audition which lasted only a quarter of my drive time. I'm always searching for the next thing and it's exhausting. If I'm not doing any of the above, I'm attempting to hone my skills in singing and dance classes.
In the end, it just got too much for us, I was so busy that I was barely seeing him, and when I did, I was too exhausted to focus on what was going on. I thought I'd have fun this summer, and I have, but I underestimated how hard it would be to juggle a normal job with acting, after spending so much time unemployed.
I think it's very hard to understand the industry when you're not in it, and (I might be extremely wrong and jumping to conclusions here) I don't think the other half quite realised how much it actually means to me. People seem to be happy for you when you have an acting job, but because they rarely lasts more than a couple of months, it begins to look more like a hobby than a career choice.
We work so hard to get acting work, and before you know it, the job is finished, you probably never see the people you've worked with again, and you're left with a big hole in your heart wondering what you're going to do next. As much as you have people around you that care about you, an actors head is the loneliest place to be.
There's constant self doubt about how you look, if you actually have any acting talent, and questioning why you didn't get a certain job that you were positive you were right for.
I was really saddened on Monday to hear about the death of another actor, Lee Thompson Young. He was an actor most recently in Rizzoli & Isles, a programme that I'm not familiar with, and to be honest, I hadn't even heard of Lee, but it's sad to know that even when you're a high profile actor in a successful TV show, you still have these thoughts and doubts. Lee allegedly took his own life, and died at the age of 29.
Richard Gent, Paul Bhattacharjee and Cory Monteith have also left us recently, and especially in the case of Cory, I was shocked that people who seemed to have it all could feel the way that they did.
Last month I felt like giving it all up, I seemed to be getting nowhere, and was watching everyone else getting work that I wanted to be doing. But I knew deep down that it's the only thing I can do. A friend said to me last night that I should be congratulated for my ongoing perseverance in a tough industry. I was flattered at the time, but thinking about it, I don't think that I should. If you want something badly enough you will work yourself ridiculously hard until you get it, no matter what it is.
I know I'm lazy compared to some actors, but I do work hard to keep going, and yes, sometimes it is hard to put the smile on my face when you're constantly getting battered back down to step one again. But I don't have a choice. The thought of doing anything else makes me shiver. It's not that I don't want to do anything else, I can't do anything else, I have to make this work.
My upcoming secret project that I'm still keeping a secret has boosted my confidence so much. I've not been completely happy with some of the performances that I've given this year, but to have been seen in that and still asked to do this project shows that at least one person out there has seen my potential and thinks that I stand a chance of doing a half-decent job, and that's good enough for me.
I had fun in my relationship, it was the first one I've had where the other person wasn't involved in the industry somehow, and it was refreshing, but maybe it's time to return to the people that I know. People who know exactly what it feels like to wrench yourself away from a group of creatives and sit bewildered at real life wondering how you're going to pay your next bills. People who aren't afraid of singing out loud in public, dancing through the streets. People like me, who love being in that acting bubble and refuse to give it up, even if you do have to sacrifice the things and people that you love.
Letting go of someone you care about hurts like hell, but sometimes you have to do it for the sake of the other person.
Doug, you were right. Chris, I'm sorry. And thank you for putting up with me for so long. As you would say, you're a great bloke!
Nxxx
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