It's a love thing...

I probably shouldn't be writing this. I've got a stack of work up to my ceiling (literally, there are towers of sandbags all over my room), and time is ticking along so quickly that I'm fearing the worst.

Yep, it's show season! It's the typical bus scenario. I've had sod-all work for most of the year, and now that things are starting to get busy, EVERYONE wants me.

Don't get me wrong, it's a nice feeling to be wanted for a change, but do these things really have to happen all at the same time?
I'm performing in a play this week, my Halloween job starts next week, and I have two plays with my students packed in shortly after that. At this rate my next day off will be Christmas Day.

I enjoy all of my work, of course I do, I'm just quite terrible at time management! Of course, having to rely on other people to give me things that I need always delays me a little, but slowly things are falling into place, and I'm even managing to do little extra pieces. *Suddenly realises why I'm so behind*

My next show with my students is my wartime drama, 'Wish Me Luck As You Wave Me Goodbye'. It's quite a simple concept for this show, it needs to be with 70 students spanning 4 classes involved, all at different times. What was I thinking? In my head it was much simpler than it has turned out to be, and my house is full of, well, stuff. The previously mentioned sandbags, a signpost, various army costumes, flags, bunting, furniture. My bedroom is literally a labyrinth to navigate.

A couple of weeks ago there were also 50 gas mask boxes lining the walls and floors. I found some online that were quite expensive, so naturally I thought I'd make my own. How hard could it be? I ordered some boxes, printed some labels, and sat down with several pots of glue, string, scissors and champagne. Which held the boxes together, honest! Once the boxes were constructed, with the help of my other half, we sat down to cut the labels for the sticking stage. I then had to leave the house to go to my choir rehearsal. I left the OH at home, said I'd be back soon, and that I would make dinner for him helping me. I hadn't specifically asked for help with the boxes, he just decided to help, which was lovely. I returned home from choir 90 minutes later to discover that he had attached almost all of the labels to the boxes in my absence. I could have cried. I'm just so used to having to do everything myself that I wasn't expecting it, and it took me completely by surprise. This feeling was swiftly replaced with guilt as he said he did it so that he could spend more time with me so that all of my time wasn't spent working. Ouch. Sorry.

(He's also banned me from making my last 12 sandbags so I'm not that sorry!)

Aside from all of the work on that show, I'm performing this week. I was approached about a script 15 months ago, and now it's finally happening! The play is called 'Hot Thoughts', and I play a counsellor who ends up with Hamlet in her counselling room. It's a brand new play, never before seen, so I'm feeling incredibly lucky that I've got the first go at it! What makes it more brilliant is that I'm performing alongside one of my best friends in it. I had recommended him to the writer early on, but for whatever reasons, it didn't happen, until recently when he auditioned and got the part.
It's been a bit of a varied journey to get it ready, but it is so much fun to perform, and it's an absolute joy to be doing it with someone special to me.
I know that it wouldn't be the same play without him in it. Because we know each other so well, it makes it so easy, I'm having the best time. Unfortunately we're only on for three nights of this initial run, but I really hope we get to do it more. It's a fantastic play and it deserves to be seen.

I may constantly be moaning at the moment, moaning that I can't walk across my floor for fear of treading on props, that I can't find the perfect dress for a role, that I'm constantly exhausted from flitting from one play to another and back again, sometimes many times during one day, but I love it.
I love working with my friends on projects, I love that I'm getting to write my own plays and watch them come to life thanks to my brilliant students, and I love that people still want to employ me! That's nice!

Thank you to everyone that has helped me in any way over the last few months. You know who you are and I appreciate every single thing.

Now to try and get rid of my pesky cough before opening night! Wish me luck...

Nxxx

A public apology...

This post is for my friends. I’m sorry. Bleurgh. Summertime.

Quite possibly the busiest time of the year for me and I’ve neglected all of you. There are not enough words to use to express my apologeticness, but know that I am ridiculously sorry, and I plan to make it up to you very, very soon.

The last few months have been crazy in terms of busy-ness. After my Neverland shows at the end of May, I thought that things would calm down. I was very wrong. I immediately plunged straight into writing my next play, which took far longer than I expected, and I think I was more infuriated than the cast after promising “I’ll have it done by next week” every single week.

Oops.

Add to that, full time hours kicked in at the park, taking up most of my weekdays. Sandwich in a production in Bedford and an audiobook, and I’m starting to find it hard to find hours to sleep.

I have missed baby showers, weddings, birthdays and births, and I’m deeply sorry to all of you that I have missed all of these amazing occasions.

People have been accepting of things, knowing that acting is tough, and that I have to take jobs where I can get them, but I feel awful about it. I know that I only plan on getting married once, so to miss someone else’s special day isn’t the best feeling. And with two friends having given birth weeks ago, and not being free enough to go and meet their new arrivals sucks.

Things aren’t even going to let up much in the near future either…

I’ve started rehearsals for a new play with my John which will be performed next month, my production with the kids is on at the beginning of November, I’m putting together a show with 4 schools combined in December, and I’m planning out potentially new classes to teach too.

According to my phone, my November show is only 66 days away, and I’m really not as prepared as I have been for previous shows. I’m only writing this blog post as an excuse to get away from show admin! I have all of the programme information to sort, costumes and props to source, theatre arrangements to make, costume checking days to be sorted, soundtrack to complete, and everything show admin-wise to ready before show week. Which I know will creep up on me ridiculously quickly.

And then I’ll have to do it all again for my Christmas show. Yippee.

Thankfully I’ve only got four more days of park work this week, (thank goodness- I’ve had enough of rude a***hole customers shouting at me and making me cry!) then I’m only down to one day a week there until my next play is done.

I was very sad to have another play that I had been cast in postponed this month, but I’m quite relieved as I now have a little more time to actually breathe!
Oh, apart from finding a house to move into. Another sorry goes to my future housemate for actually being quite useless in the whole house searching saga. We’ll find one!

Monday morning is going to be wonderful, I’m going to sleep til noon (with any luck), and not have to rock up to work until 4! Bliss.
Then it’s full steam ahead on various show businesses and things will be marvellous. It will be so nice to be back working by myself instead of having to spend my days in the vicinity of others that make my life a little more grey every time I see them. (Ooh, Natalie, why so cryptic, I hear you ask. Don’t worry, they’ll get what’s coming to them!)

So fingers crossed for smooth show running, baby cuddles and catching up with my favourite people. Because I miss you all, and once again I am sorry. Once I win my Oscar I’ll sell it and take us all away!

Oh, and one more thing. P, I’m sorry yet again. Thank you for sticking by me when you really had no reason to stay. Thank you for keeping me smiling and laughing when I just wanted to cry and shut the world out. Have tuppence for your troubles! I love you. Even if you do build dens in my bedroom and harass me with drunk texts (right now!)

Nxxx

Failure is not an option...

This post, as it happens, appears to be post number 100. Congratulations to those of you who have stuck with me through my ranting, wailing, massive highs and crazy lows. You deserve a treat.
When I saw that I was approaching post 100, I thought it was going to be a fun-filled ride with fireworks, banners, and maybe a balloon or two.

But I'm just incredibly tired...

It appears that I haven't posted since the beginning of June, and with very good reason. I've been so freakin' busy! Most of it has been good, but there have been times during the last couple of months when I wondered if I'd actually slept at all.

So going back slightly, the end of May saw my Neverland productions hit the stage, 'Peter Pan' and 'Second Star To The Right'. Amazing feedback was given, the kids had a great time. Job done. Time to move on to their next project, my World War 2 drama, 'Wish Me Luck As You Wave Me Goodbye'.

June passed by in a bit of a blur. I turned 30 (ssssh!) and spent most of the month celebrating with various people on different days because we're all grown ups now and we can't all play together like we used to. And had I written much script? Of course not.

My lessons with the students continued, and I felt bad that I hadn't got anything for them yet. A couple of job offers came my way which of course I gobbled up instantly. The offer of a play in Bedford that would only require a week of my time was replied to with a big fat "YES!!", and another talking book for the RNIB was given to me. I could see the £ signs flashing before my eyes.

Of course, on top of all of this, I was still working at my normal job of rollercoaster operating. From one extreme to the other. I put my head down and got on with it, knowing that every penny counts as I am very soon indeed, moving house. Natty needs rent money! Plus being in a new relationship doesn't tend to be kind to the wallet when you're trying to impress!

My final birthday outing was on 1st July when my ex-work-husband John took me to London to see the live stage show of 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' A more glorious day was not spent, and it was the perfect finish to an awesome month.

And then it was July. Oh hell. The deadline for having draft 1 of the play finished had gone so long ago that I couldn't even remember when it was. Plus, I had the play in Bedford, and the audiobook to record, as well as lesson plans for two different schools, house hunting, and general existing.

First up was the audiobook. I am incredibly ashamed to reveal this next information to you. I didn't prepare well at all. It was the night before my first recording session when I picked up the book and read it for the first time. I knew that I was booked in for 8 sessions, so divided the page numbers by 8 and read that amount of pages. Shocking behaviour. That was the cycle of my week, apart from the nights when I fell asleep before finishing my pages and ended up having to read them in the morning. I was pretty sure I was going to get sacked.

Then last week brought my play in Bedford, entitled 'Amazing Bedford People'. It was a whizz through history featuring famous Bedfordians. Oh my, was it a test for the brain! Myself and two other actors played a combined number of 31 characters (I counted) the majority having a different accent(!) in the space of one hour. We had one week to rehearse, and then 3 performances last Sunday. It was such a fun show to be in, and I actually learned quite a lot of interesting information, but my goodness was I exhausted!

The shows were incredibly well received, and even some of my students and their families came over from Kettering to watch, which was amazing. After the obligatory post-show drink, I stayed in Bedford to get some dinner, before somehow driving home without the aid of matchsticks in my eyes. Thankfully my Monday day shift at the park got cancelled so I performed a small whoop of joy and passed out in bed probably around 10.30pm. Rock and roll.


Back to this week and I managed to catch up slightly with sleep, although I could probably do a pretty good Sleeping Beauty impression for a while, and thankfully my workload has decreased.
Today I finished my audiobook, which has a running time of 12 hours and 53 minutes of me rambling(!) and now all that seems to be on my plate is finishing this script and making sure kids don't fall off whatever ride I'm operating at the park.

At the current time of writing, it is now 11.15pm, I have done no lesson plans for tomorrow, and I'm spending the majority of my day working at the park, before teaching. I'm anticipating 40 something children begging me for scripts which they are not going to receive because I just broke my printer, so they'll have to wait another week. At least that's better than telling them that it's not finished yet! Ssssh!

I said that my workload had eased off, but I just remembered that I also have to do plans for three summer academies, plan and organise a Christmas drama production show to include four different Starlight shows, squeeze in some house viewings, dog sitting, and a baby shower.

But I can't let the kids down. No matter how tired I've been this last month, I've still worked as hard as I could on my projects, and I'm determined to make this one a success too. It's a big gamble to write a play about such a topic, but I'm really pleased with how the script is turning out. If only I could get my brain to work a little bit faster to get the last few thousand words out!

This is my first play completely done by myself and it has to be perfect. Who needs sleep anyway?!?

Nxxx

Starting again...

It’s a very strange feeling you get once a production is over. Whenever I finish an acting job, I’m always heartbroken that I’ll never perform the show again, and that the people that I’ve worked so closely with I might never see again. It’s the way of the industry. Thankfully, I have come out of several jobs and kept in contact with a few people, and that has been brilliant. But some people have faded into the distance and have become memories of touring past. Some good, some not so good.

The past 15 months have been quite different. Alongside my own acting career, I’ve been teaching. I will admit that my teaching style mainly consists of shouting at my students until they do things my way, but hey, I get what I want!

Just over a week ago, 70-something of my students pulled off an amazing feat and I could not have been prouder. Both of our Neverland productions, ‘Peter Pan’ and ‘Second Star To The Right’ were performed on the same day. Well, days, we did two! And I’m not sure how I feel about them being over right now. (Wait, here come the waterworks!)
I could go on and on for pages about how proud I am of the students, their amazing performances, the incredible feedback that I received, but I’ve already put all of that on my various social media pages. It’s taken until now to realise what an achievement it was for me personally. I didn’t really start work properly on the productions until January of this year. That gave me five months to write, audition, cast, source/make costumes, props and set, and generally organise a hell of a lot with many students relying on me to make sure everything came together to create shows that their parents could be proud of them in.

You’ve probably read in previous posts about how alongside the shows, I was also working various normal person jobs and acting jobs too. It’s fair to say that I didn’t think I had put enough effort into the productions at all and I was incredibly nervous. For the second part of last year it seemed that every spare second I had was put into my production of ‘Oliver Twist’, and compared to that, I felt that I had done no work at all. Then the week of the shows, I had a mother of one of the children I teach elsewhere saying not very nice things at all about another production I had put on. I was devastated and completely knocked sideways.

Somehow I managed to pick myself up and finish everything for the shows and successfully hand things over to my truly amazing backstage team. Things could not have gone any smoother.
I sat in the audience for all four performances and watched with such pride as my students gave flawless performances, and clearly enjoyed every single second of being on that stage. The audience reactions throughout were sublime, and the students clearly picked up it and raised their game even more. It was such a delight to watch, and the feedback truly was phenomenal. To hear people say that it was the best one yet by far was incredible considering how I felt about them, I was stunned.
And now they’re over. In a weird way I feel like I still have more work to do on them, one more month and I know I could tweak certain things and make them even more perfect, but I could say that after another month, and maybe another.

Yesterday I started to write the script for our next production, but I feel like I’m betraying Neverland already!
It was such a special few months, I wrote the ‘Peter Pan’ script alone, with a little bit of help from J M Barrie and Disney(!), but I got to write a new original play with one of my best friends, we made every decision regarding the production, and people really enjoyed it. That’s something that I never imagined would ever be possible. I had a crazy idea about 8 months ago to create a Peter Pan sequel, and for us to write it because I wanted to challenge us as well as challenging the students. And my goodness were we challenged. But we pulled it off, the students enjoyed performing it, the audience loved watching it, it still made me laugh every single time, I could not have been prouder.
And now here I am starting all over again. This year has flown by already, as I feared it would, I’m just going to have to make the most of every second and get this next script bashed out pretty quickly or it will be show day before I know it.

Once more I’m sat at my writing table (and in my new directors chair that I got for my birthday- thanks mum!) and I’m already enjoying creating something new for the amazing students that I teach.

Since the productions I’ve had a pretty good few days, including my 30th birthday, eep! As someone said to me, it’s only a number, and I’m only one day older than I was the day before, and it’s really not that bad. Plus the birthday celebrations so far have been brilliant!

I guess I’m feeling reflective tonight as the realisation has hit me that one of my best friends is moving away pretty soon and I am completely devastated. Of course it’s completely unfair of me to be selfish, but I really don’t want them to go. They are such a huge part of my life, and I have become so close to them that to know that they won’t be just across town for much longer breaks my heart. I know that they aren’t going to be that far away in the grand scheme of the whole world, but I feel like a part of me will be going too. I love them with all of my heart, and I hope they know it.

I know that it will be such a good thing for them, they are going to pursue their dreams and I have no doubt that they will succeed, and I’m so unbelievably proud of them and everything that they do. They inspire me so much, and I genuinely don’t know what I will do without them. I hope I get to hold onto them and see them as much as possible before they go because I really don’t want us to drift apart before they officially go.

If they’re reading this, they know exactly who they are. Just don’t forget me, okay? Whoever gets Oscar/Bafta/Brit Award nominated first, we’ll be each other’s red carpet date, right?
Their imminent departure means that I may have to start again in certain aspects in my life. I know deep down that I can do it, but it really won’t be the same without them.

But despite all of my tears over endings and departures, someone not-so-new has made a big difference in my life lately and has made an impact that I never thought they would. Ever. Which goes to show that people can surprise you. And through all of the tears, stress and sadness that I’ve gone through over the last few months, someone out there has put the smile back on my face. Who knows what will happen, I’m just taking it one day at a time, but maybe things might be changing for the good…

Nxxx

Have courage and be kind...

The title of this post is a quote from the beautiful new movie adaptation of 'Cinderella', directed by one of my heroes, Mr Kenneth Branagh. As a film probably aimed at children, I thought it was a brilliant quote, and as it was said repeatedly throughout the film, and stuck in my head, I wondered and hoped that thousands of children across the world that may have watched it would also remember it, and take a lesson away from it.

I didn't think that I would have to apply it to myself this week, but I have. It is show week. Normally the week that fills me with dread. 70-odd children performing in shows that I have written, directed, made costumes and set for, the list goes on.

I had been feeling quite calm after the rehearsals that I had with them on Sunday, and everything was falling nicely into place.

Yesterday started off so well. I managed to get a decent nights sleep, and woke up and get dressed to take work husband John for a birthday lunch. We had lovely food, he liked his presents (phew) and it was just a nice time. 

I headed over to Head Office and did a spot of work on my shows, before heading off to Corby to teach my students over there. I really enjoyed my lesson, the students made me laugh and came up with some random but brilliant ideas. Kids have such vivid imaginations, and they all had brilliant smiles on their faces. A good time was had by all.

A short while after, I was told that a lady had said that one of my projects that I had worked on was the worst thing she had ever seen. At the time, I brushed it off as I was still happy from my lesson, but as I got home, the reality of what she said hit me and upset me.

I headed back out shortly after to start building my set for this weekends shows, and the tears began to fall from my eyes. I didn't understand how someone could be so hurtful, and it completely knocked my confidence for my upcoming shows. Don't get me wrong, I know that the kids will do an amazing job as always, they have worked so hard and I'm already ridiculously proud of them. I know it's not about being adored by the parents, I'm doing it for the children, they're the ones I'm there for, but to have someone say that about something that I've produced scared me into believing that that will be the reaction I get this weekend.

As anyone in this industry will tell you, it's a scary place to be. Whether you're performing, writing, directing, or any job involved in the making of a performance. You're putting yourself out there, your vision, your ideas, your work, and you just pray and hope that people will like it. Of course you're not going to please everyone, but it's a big risk to do something like this, especially when everyone around you is doing bigger and better things and you're constantly trying to keep up.

I headed back to Head Office alone to start set construction and tried to block out what she had said, but it wouldn't leave my head. I ripped open the packaging and started to assemble pieces of set together and realised what a mammoth task lay before me. I got frustrated, angry, and was in pain from getting splinters and blisters, and cramp from being in awkward positions trying to assemble it. I was covered in glue, and was getting ridiculously hot and disgusting. I just sat down in the middle of the floor, broke down and cried for about ten minutes. I was exhausted, upset, and listening to Mumford and Sons probably wasn't my best idea. Then a costume rail broke and fell on my head. 

John sent me a text asking how it was going, and I responded on a joking manner that I'd probably be finished by 2pm Saturday (the time when our first show goes up). He immediately replied saying he was coming over to help after he had finished his birthday meal out with his family. I told him not to because it was his birthday, and it was getting late. 

But sure enough, about an hour later he burst through the doors. He took one look at my face (which I did not know was covered in mascara tracks!) and gave me a massive hug while I told him what was wrong.  After a big squeeze and a talking to, we set back to work and constructed the second piece of set whilst having a good chat, and a proper giggle in our ridiculous attempt to screw pieces of wood together. I've already told him, but he really is my hero.

We gave up at around 10.30pm, and we drove back to his house and watched some Monty Python with his family before I trundled back home. Her words were still in my head, but I was feeling much better.

Having had time to think it over, I realise that I should have completely ignored everything that she said. I will admit that what she saw was not the best thing that I have produced, but I worked hard on it, and it was the best that I could have done, all things considered. 

I work for hours and hours on these projects, I get annoyed with myself that it takes up so much of my time, but I am always proud of the results, and I know that in the end, people do appreciate my efforts. I have had to juggle so many things so far this year, and the rest of the year is set to be even busier. I'll be writing two plays, working practically full time at the park over the summer, moving house, and I have two extra potential jobs on the horizon that will hopefully be confirmed in the next couple of days. 

The lady in question didn't even have the guts to tell me what she thought to my face, she passed it on to someone else, who passed it on to someone else who passed it on to me. Yes, it was incredibly hurtful, and completely wrecked my confidence, and I may have thought of at least one hundred hurtful things to say back to her if I ever saw her, but that's not who I am. I didn't have to learn from Cinderella that it's good to be kind, because I am kind. And if everyone was nicer to each other, then maybe the world wouldn't be such a terrible place. 

I do have the courage to show off my work to the world, and if she doesn't like it, so be it. I'm better off without her.

And do you know what the best part is? After the performance, her daughter came up to me and gave me the biggest hug to say thank you. She had clearly enjoyed herself and was grateful. So, lady, I have no idea who you are, I didn't even meet you at the performance. But I hope by some miracle you stumble across this blog post, read it, and realise how much your words can hurt someone. But most of all, I hope you learn from your daughter. She has a kind heart, maybe she can teach you a lesson or two. 

Have courage and be kind

Nxxx

What's going on?

I'm very confused right now. At the current moment of typing, there are 8 days, 3 hours and 16 minutes until the first performance of one of my shows. And I'm really quite calm.

I don't know why.

Yesterday I gave up my cleaning job, meaning that (hopefully) I now no longer work 7 days a week. I was quite looking forward to getting some sleep. Apparently my body was having none of that. I was up until 1am talking to one of my friends, fell asleep pretty much straight away, only to wake up at 7.30am. I'm the girl that has to have 8 hours sleep or I'm unbearable to be around. Hmmm.

I lounged about a bit, before wandering downstairs for some breakfast, did the washing up, put some clothes in the washing machine, had a shower, got dressed, took about half an hour to put my make up on whilst watching the latest episode of 'Elementary', and have spent the last 30 minutes reading other people's blogs. 

Dare I say it, it's weird having nothing to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying not having a mountain of things to get through, but it feels strange. Everything is out of my hands right now.

Every costume is ready, I'm waiting for the arrival of my set so I can't do anything about that right now. Even when things are going missing I'm remaining calm. This is a very strange feeling. I know I'm power crazy when it comes to organisation, but to feel this relaxed is just bizarre.

When I had the idea of putting on two different shows on the same day, I thought I was a genius. Then when I started work on them, I thought I was an idiot. But you know what, I'm starting to think I'm a genius again. Separating the cast means that yes, I've sort of had double the work, but I've not had to co-ordinate rehearsals to get everyone together, I've got two self-contained shows and they're looking really good. I've still got a week to go, and almost everything is done.

I've had sleepless nights, working all hours to get things done around working all of my other jobs, but I think all of the stress has paid off. I'm ready. And I've only had half a breakdown over the shows this time. When I put on 'Oliver Twist' last year, I had a breakdown at least once a month, but it's not really happened this time.

My cast are working so hard, especially my Peter Pan crew. The entire PP cast are 10 years old or younger and their performances are flawless. And I can't take any of the credit for it. Their enthusiasm is amazing. I know some of them were initially disappointed with their roles, but they have all embraced what they have been given and are working together so well. When rehearsing their bows a couple of weeks ago, they were all cheering each other on, and they were genuinely so proud of each other. I honestly can't wait to show them off to their audiences. Not only are they incredibly talented, they are the most kind children I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. They help each other out during rehearsals, and are willing to do anything for each other, especially for the good of the show. I don't have any children of my own, but I would be incredibly proud if any of them were mine. They are a credit to their parents, and such a pleasure to teach. 

Last Sunday I had a rehearsal with the majority of them, and their performances honestly brought tears to my eyes, and I knew what was coming! The whole rehearsal process for this show has gone so quickly, it honestly feels like Oliver Twist was five minutes ago, but I have loved it. I have seen them develop as actors, and to watch their characters relationships develop into something beautiful has been very special indeed. 

I'm secretly hoping that the audience will cry(!) and I thought that my script might be thing to do that (hello, massive ego!) but I was so very wrong. I just put words onto paper. Those kids have brought it to life in a truly magical way.

I've had to sacrifice a few things that I wanted to have in the show, but I know that their performances will more than make up for it, and I hope that they get the audience reactions that they thoroughly deserve. They are all stars. 

Here's to our Neverland adventures! :)

Nxxx

Time

Time is ticking. Faster than I'd like right now if I'm honest. My Neverland shows are now only two weeks away, and despite feeling quite prepared, I'm not quite sure how the last six months since my last production have gone so quickly.

As I've mentioned in many previous posts, I'm still working seven days a week, which has definitely started to take it's toll. And I'm very upset with myself.

Although what I've been doing is work towards my shows, I feel like I've been very distant from them, and a couple of days ago, I had my first proper wobble about them. 

Yep, the tears returned, I was convinced that everything was going to turn to sh*t. Of course I have complete faith in my actors, they are beyond brilliant, but I didn't feel that I had given it my complete attention, and I was mortified. If something does go wrong, or something has been forgotten about, then it's definitely my fault, and I don't want to have let the cast down.

I also let things get to me in my personal life, and definitely made some very foolish decisions over the last week that I'm not over the moon about if I'm honest. But if I've got myself into these situations, then it's up to me to get myself out of them. I just hope I don't hurt anyone along the way. 

I was convinced to take a day off from work this week, and ended up in London watching a very talented boy I know in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He was brilliant, of course, but the show blew my mind. And yes, I cried like a baby at the end! ;)

As I was watching it, my heart ached so much. I just longed to be up there, joining in in with them all, they were clearly having the best time, and the show is so fun that you couldn't help but smile. It was the kick up the arse that I needed to re-focus.

Thankfully, the play that I had had a meeting about two weeks ago has now been postponed, in order to give us more time to work on it properly and give it the best that we can. I'm slightly sad that it isn't happening sooner, but I know it's for the best.

Aside from work, I've also made the decision to move out of my parents house! Let's face it, I'm too old to be there still! Yes, I may have to live on pennies per week to afford my rent, but it's definitely time to fly the nest once more, and I'm quite excited! It's not happening until August, but you have to plan ahead! 

Speaking of which, I've already planned what my next two shows with the kids are going to be! I need to take a break!

I was fully intending to have a holiday this year, but the decision to move out has scuppered that idea. But it's been so long since my last holiday, not going on one for another ten years won't make much difference! Oh well. 

Well, that's my rant over. I don't expect anyone to read this post as I don't intend to share it. It's not particularly happy this time, is it?!?

Oh well, writing down my thoughts clears my head, so at least it's done me some good!

Until next time,

Nxxx

Natty nine-lives, the cat that got the cream, and other feline comparisons...

Hello again, readers. Pull up a chair, take off your boots, and settle down for another instalment of my ramblings. Comfortable? Lovely. Let's begin.

So, another chunk of time has rolled past, and naturally I have spent almost every waking hour of it working, but things are progressing nicely. There were a few moments last week in which I thought that things were not going to go my way, but fortunately everything has sorted itself out marvellously, and I feel extremely lucky, hence the nature of the title of this post.

Around ten days ago, I was in turmoil! Cast your minds back to October 2014. I was working my Halloween scare job and having a lot of fun making people scream, cry, throw up and urinate on themselves. I'm not even joking, I really did that! Anyway, I was working with a lovely man called Ian, who one night mentioned a play to me. I expressed an interest in reading it, and promptly thought nothing more of it. Then earlier this year I received a phone call about it, and I was sent a link to read the script. Lovely. Long story short, I was waiting for a call about an audition for it, but hadn't heard anything for ages. I was just about to give up on it when I received a message from him about it. It was still going ahead, and do I want to be involved? The answer was obviously yes! I asked for the dates as I wasn't sure I had been told, and my plans were building up.

I had planned my birthday party for the same month, and had an uneasy feeling that they might clash. The dates came in. My party was safe. Unfortunately it clashed with an upcoming performance of mine. Arse. I sheepishly rang the director of the show and said that I might not be able to do it, and my heart sank. I'm in a choir, and our upcoming show is an Andrew Lloyd Webber showcase. This in itself makes me delirious with joy, but on top of that I had auditioned for a solo and got one! I had been given one of my favourite Lloyd Webber songs, if not one of my favourite songs ever, and now it might be taken away from me. I was devastated. There was still a slight chance that I could do it, but I wasn't holding out much hope. My father had also gone crazy over it and had told all of his friends, who wanted to come and watch! Gutted was not the word.

By some crazy miracle, the next day I received a message from Ian saying that the dates had to change due to the theatre being double booked. Result! A quick flurry of text messages saying that I was still in resulted in a lot of happy people, and thankfully the show could still go on! Smile back on face, solo still mine, day made!

Last Saturday I travelled a little bit across the country to lovely Leicester, to film my role in my awesome chum Peter's web series, 'News Man'. I still don't really know how I ended up getting a part in it to be honest. I watched episode one, told him I liked it, said I wanted to be in it, and a few months later, there I was! I drove into town to catch the train, and thanks to the awkward teen who was standing in the ticket queue and not actually wanting to buy a ticket, I made it onto the train with a spectacular dive, around ten seconds before departure. I was concerned that I would get told off by Peter for not knowing my lines for the day, and spent the twenty minute journey crammed in between sweaty commuters with my script in my hand, in the attempt to not look like a terrible actor once we started filming.

I met Peter at the station, and we walked to a little park to wait for co-creator Chris to arrive. On the walk there, Peter said something to me that put a smile on my face. He said, "I can't believe I got you!". I asked him what he meant by that, and he said he was so happy that I was going to be a part of News Man. It was incredibly sweet, and the nicest thing that anyone has said about me and acting this year!

Chris arrived, and we walked around the town to our first location, a car park! Who said acting wasn't glamorous?!? Shooting began, and we cracked on with the day at speed. I believe we did more than was scheduled for the day which was fabulous, and there was glorious sunshine, which made the day even better. We finished up, had a couple of drinks, before Peter walked me back to the train station, where I managed to catch the train once again with seconds to spare. I got home and collapsed into bed thoroughly exhausted and ridiculously sunburned. Yay.


Sunday brought with it another jam packed day; park working followed by a choir rehearsal followed by a staff meeting followed by a staff meal. I pushed the boat out and bought a hideously overpriced glass of wine, but my god it was worth it! Time to face another week!

The usual stuff happened, working all days, working most nights, plus I had a meeting with Ian about the upcoming play. We selected our ideal dates for it, and things began to slip into place. I arranged my next day of filming on News Man, got more Neverland costumes ordered, and felt very accomplished. My actors are working their socks off, and making me very proud indeed, they even brought tears to my eyes in a totally good way!

I also handed in my notice to my cleaning job(!) and made a big decision that will take place this summer. That's all I'm saying for now, but it seems that everything happens for a reason, and even though things might look as if they might not go in my favour, they seem to sort themselves out nicely.

So, I've got three more weeks of working 7 days a week, 5 performances in rehearsal, 2 plays being written, News Man being filmed, plus another film due to be shot in August. I suppose I'd only moan if I had nothing to do!

Nxxx

Natalie's Nugget: I got to drag Peter around the floor during News Man filming, to get a better performance out of him. I think I broke him. But we all have to suffer for our art! ;)

Identity crisis...

Some people think that being an actor is really cool. Myself included. In what other job do you get to dress up in different clothes and pretend to be someone else for a while and nobody judges you? I'm not going to lie, getting paid to do it is also a perk! 

I was working today (sadly not acting) and I was pondering life (as I so often do) and was wondering if I'm actually the person that I want to be. 

I probably had these thoughts due to an upcoming birthday that means my age will begin with a 3 rather than a lovely 2, but I think some it comes from observation.

I tend to people watch quite a bit, mainly to see if I can pick up on any mannerisms people might have, or interesting characteristics that I can use in my acting/writing work.

In the acting game you have to be realistic. I know what I look like. If I see a casting for 'beautiful female' I don't apply. This isn't a cry for attention, I know that I'm far from being the prettiest, skinniest, cleverest girl out there, it's fact. I'm never going to get cast as the stunning female lead opposite my future husband, Ewan McGregor, I'll just be the frumpy sister, but hey, someone's got to do it!

But I can't change my face. Well, I could, but I'd need a bucket load of cash, probably given to me by a millionaire husband that I'm not pretty enough to attract, and so the circle goes on.

I digress...

I did some people watching whilst at work and in town today. (I observed people from behind my sunglasses, I didn't want people to think I was staring!) I went about my business thinking about who I am and what I was doing, and what I could do to change.

A colleague at work over the weekend had asked me how I was getting on with my search for happiness (see previous post) and I had to admit that my search had stopped. And I had annoyed myself. I did really well for the month of March, then as soon as April rolled around I fell back into my bad habit ways and ended up not going on at least three social events that I had had planned for a while. I let myself get swamped with work again and I was really angry with myself.

As I was walking around town, I began to wonder what people would think of me if they did the same as me and people watched me. I know I shouldn't, but I do make assumptions about people from what I see, and the thought of someone doing the same to me made me think.

There I was, a 29 year old woman, walking around in tartan trousers, sipping a mint chocolate milkshake, and getting excited about going to see S Club 7 on tour in a months time. Am I weird?

All the cool kids are walking around with perfect fashion sense, clutching their Costa coffees, have impeccable makeup, and seemingly perfect lives. 

I work every day under the sun and constantly look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards because I don't have time to look in a mirror.

What if I want to be the cool 60 year old woman with pink hair who listens to opera all day? Why do I find coffee so revolting? Why do I always have to be the one whose friends steal their phone and text boys on it trying to get me a date because I'm too tragic to sort out a love life on my own?

I wandered about for a bit wondering how I could change my life around to start being one of the cool people. Sometimes you don't want to be the clown any more. Sometimes you just want to be taken seriously.

I got home and sat in the sunshine in the garden and began making props for my show and slowly things seeped into my head about what some very lovely people have said to me recently.

I teach a lot of children, and some parents tell me how much their children love my lessons. I've had messages from them telling me how I inspire them, how much they look up to me, and how they want to be like me when they grow up. And that's pretty awesome.

Most of the kids that I teach don't know anything about me. They don't care that the smell of coffee being brewed makes me want to throw up, they don't know about all of the other jobs that I do, they don't care that I'm single, fighting with my weight, or that I have truly terrible hair right now. They care that I care about them, and making them into amazing little actors. 

And that's how it should be. Every time I receive one of those messages from a parent it makes me cry. Because life is cruel, and people aren't nice, and when you get that message, sometimes that's the nicest thing that has happened to you in a very long while, and it's nice to be appreciated.

So who cares if I drink milkshakes instead of vile coffees? Who cares that I'm going to see one of the greatest pop bands of all time in a few weeks? Who cares that I'm squidgy and average looking and can't control my hair most days? I don't care. I'm actually doing alright. And if kids can look up to me, being the crazy nut job that I am, then that's amazing. Because I shouldn't follow the pack, I am who I am and if you don't like it you can stick it!

Here's to the underdogs.

Nxxx

Natalie and the search for happiness...

The title of this post has been lovingly ripped off from a terrible Simon Pegg film that I watched a few weeks ago, 'Hector and the Search For Happiness'. Well, it's a bit unfair to call it terrible as I didn't actually make it all the way to the end. I attempted to watch it over two nights and fell asleep both times. I took that as a sign that I probably shouldn't carry on with it.

The premise of the film was that Simon Peggs character was a psychologist/psychiatrist (I don't know, I fell asleep!)and another character asked him if he was happy. He said no, and promptly went travelling around the world trying to find happiness only to realise that he was happiest back at home with his girlfriend. (I woke up for the last ten seconds and they were together so I'm assuming that's correct! Anyway, don't bother with it!)

Shortly after watching the film I managed to grab a rare afternoon together with my girlfriends and we were chatting our usual nonsense when I brought up the film. Despite being terrible, it got me thinking, and I asked my friends if they were happy. Out of the four of us, only one of us could say yes. I found that incredibly strange because we all seemed happy enough whenever we saw each other. We all met through a mutual hobby but all lead very different lives with completely different careers and life plans. We all click perfectly together and yet none of knew that the others weren't happy.

I now realise it's incredibly selfish of me to think that I've got it worse out of all of us. I'm almost 30, living with my parents , working 7 days a week and with nothing to show for it. I can't afford to move out, and I'm barely using my degree, while I watch my friends coupling off and now having babies, their lives seem so perfect. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, and I feel bad for not picking up on the fact that my friends aren't as happy as they seem. It was also really sad to think that people aren't happy.

I'm a positive person, but my career can get me down quite a bit, especially when there's no career to talk of, and after feeling down for quite some time, I decided that like Hector, I would go in search of happiness. Okay, I wouldn't go half way across the world to find it, I wouldn't do anything different, I'd just try and note the little things in life that made me smile that I normally wouldn't think about.

So, on March 1st, it began. One month of happiness searching would begin. I also decided to take a photograph of the thing that made me smile every day. That lasted two days. Oops.
March 1st was an easy one. I grabbed a handful of victims friends, and headed off to Wicksteed Park to help out an old friend with a fundraising event. We all dressed up in costumes and were part of a treasure hunt for children to take part in and win chocolate at the end. It was freezing cold and I had chosen skimpy costumes for most of them, but we all had a fun time, and the kids really enjoyed it, and it was for a totally good cause. Day one, happy, tick.

The next day I was back at the park with my fellow funmaker (yep, that's our job title!) Peter to film some stuff for the park about the lake restoration. Yet again it was freezing cold, but helping out another chum felt good, and we had lunch and a giggle together afterwards which was also good. Tick.

The third of March saw me do a regular good deed, donating a pint of blood. Saving up to three people's lives and getting a free biscuit thrown in can't fail to make you happy. This was going well!

It was also around this time that I decided that I would do something slightly new. When cleaning peoples houses I noticed that a few houses always have fresh flowers in them, so I decided that I would also do this and promptly bought myself vase and some pretty tulips to put in my bedroom. They immediately brightened up the place and brought a smile to my face. And I can say that I have carried this on throughout the whole month and beyond and currently have a vase full of orange lilies standing in my peripheral vision looking lovely. Huzzah!

I'm working so much at the moment, and making a lot of costumes. Sewing chills me out (when things go to plan), and watching all of my creations come to life was exhilarating and definitely added to the tally on my happiness chart.

A week in and I headed off to another eatery with my work husband to plough through more of our to-do list for our show, and once the end was in sight for the day, we celebrated with a giant ice cream sundae. Each. Oops!

As you will have read about in a previous post, the second week of March brought with it StageWrite 2015 in Bedford. It was my first acting job of the year, and as well as getting to work and hang out with a heap of Bedford friends, I made several new ones, and one friend even came all the way over from Kettering to support one night- smile firmly splashed across my face. Two weeks in and my mood was definitely lifted.

Week three brought so much more work, and cancelled plans, but I still squeezed in an outing for a birthday and laughed like a drain all night which is perfect in anyone's books. The end of the week brought me to re-starting my fourth job at Wicksteed. We went in for customer service training so I didn't get to speak to my colleagues much, but seeing everyone back together again warmed the cockles of my heart.

We were nearing the end of the month now, but I wasn't slowing down. Last week brought meetings about upcoming work projects, meeting my brothers new puppy, watching a couple of friends in a production of 'Little Shop of Horrors', work, work, and more work. I had refresher training for the park, and had a fabulous afternoon giggling about with my work boys. I can't say I was looking forward to going back to work, but it's definitely the people that I work with that make it truly brilliant. You know those conversations that make you cry and snort with laughter, and then you try to tell someone else about it and can't say it for laughing again, and the other person just doesn't get it? That. I love those guys.

I get to March 29th and I head down to Oxford to perform some Shakespeare at the Ashmolean Museum. It's a long but enjoyable day, and with friends coming to support, I eat cake afterwards and have a lovely afternoon. Once home, I take part in my parents charity quiz night that raises £400, taking their fundraising total to around £26,000 I think my dad said. Nice work.

I only had two days left of the month and only had work lined up so I didn't know how my happiness tally was going to be kept up, until right at the last minute on Tuesday 31st. Work husband John is currently in Scarborough *waves*, meaning that I was teaching alone. And then I had a phone call from him telling me all about how he was getting on, what he was doing, etc.
He also said how he had been inspired by what he was doing and had ideas for future plans for us to work on. I was delighted! It was brilliant to see someone else getting as fired up about acting stuff like I get when I see/do something exciting, and knowing how each other works will hopefully stand us in good stead to create something spectacular. It was only a week since I had seen him, but to chat was awesome. It was a perfect ending to a good month.

So, what did I learn from my search for happiness, and did I actually find it?


Well yes, I did. And I realised that it's been with me all along, I just haven't noticed it. Yes, I probably work too much, but the people that I work with don't make it seem like work, and I have such a great time with them that time flies and I spend a hell of a lot of time laughing.
I also found happiness in smaller things, like buying myself a new lipstick, or giggling in the back row of choir rehearsals, even in sitting down with a celebratory mug of pink wine after a hectic week. But I found my happiness in the thing that I've known all along. My friends. And helping other people. My friends are the most important people in my life. I will do anything in the world for them, and to see them happy, and I'm going to make more of an effort to try and pick up on any time when they're feeling less than chipper. Everyone deserves happiness.

I hope that more people don't forget about the little things in life that make them smile. Yes, maybe my search did have a crappy ending like Hector, but maybe that's what life is all about, just taking time to forget about everything that stresses you out. Sitting with friends and eating cake. Going out and eating ice cream before you have your dinner. Maybe it's doing something to help others like giving blood, or maybe giving money to that person standing with a charity tin on a freezing cold high street. And maybe it's just the random conversations you have with the weird and wonderful people you work with. Maybe growing beaks on humans really is the future. See, told you you wouldn't get it!

Stay happy,

Nxxx

Tiny fish, massive pond...

Oh my goodness. I don't think I could have crammed more into last week if I tried. I am thoroughly exhausted but smiling from ear to ear. 

Lets's kick off with Monday. I finally got around to having my business lunch with the lovely Craig, awesome director chap and fabulous human being. He bizarrely said that he would come to Kettering to meet (voluntarily, crazy!!) and we spent a lovely hour and a bit talking all things film. I'm not going to give details yet, I'll keep you in suspense until I actually start work on it, but I signed up to be co-producer and actor in a feature film in August. I read the script that night and was quite excited. Watch this space!

I then hopped across town to my brothers new house, and had to take his new puppy to the vet to get microchipped. I thought he was going to kick off, but he was distracted by a handful of dog treats and didn't even notice that he got injected. That pup loves his food, he'll fit in to the family well!

I popped back into town for work, and set my 'Second Star To The Right' cast to work and was pleasantly surprised with how much good stuff was going on. Things were starting to come together! My chum from Bedford, Ivan, had demanded that we go for a drink on Monday night, and he caught the end of our rehearsal before we sat down for a few hours and chatted away. Two people willing to visit this town in one day, weird!!

It was back to cleaning on Tuesday, followed by teaching my Corby students. I read out our casting for our upcoming Disney show and everyone was happy with their roles, phew! (Definitely the worst part of the job!!) 

 Wednesday and Thursday also brought scrubbing duties, before I headed back to my employment at Wicksteed Park for re-training on the rides. I've not worked there since November but everything is still firmly imprinted in my brain, but it was brilliant to see some of my colleagues again. It's weird how you get shoved together with a bunch of random people in any job you get, and somehow you end up being good friends... Aaw, look at me getting all mushy!!

A quick spot of cleaning on Friday was followed by dog duties before heading up to the studio to do an afternoons work before teaching. I managed to infiltrate head office and swoop in and grab a load of costumes for my shows, and got shed loads done. Then I had a brilliant two hours of rehearsal. I was happy with my initial casting, and then inevitably I had a wobble, but running through the whole show made me realise that I had made the right decisions. My Peter, Wendy and Tink were all perfect and made me so happy! I managed to squeeze in an hour of dance before heading home and preparing for the following days events...

Back in January I had applied for 'The Sonnets Project' and not heard anything back for a while, until a few weeks ago when I had received an email asking about my availability on the day. As time was ticking on, and I hadn't heard anything, I was thinking that it wasn't going ahead. I then received an email on Tuesday with a schedule... It was happening! 52 people reading all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets in 4 hours at the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford. Sweet. 

I received a couple more emails over the next few days with revised schedules due to people dropping out, but it finally looked set to go, so on Friday night I planned my journey, and finally got around to looking at the sonnets that I would be reading. I know, I know. You should know by now how I leave things to the last minute!!

I drove down to Oxford in the morning and hopped on a Park and Ride bus to find two girls from home there on a hen do! We had a little chat before I jumped off the bus and found the museum. Naturally I was early, and the man in charge wasn't even there. I had a little nose around and waited for the others to arrive. I noticed a girl with similar hair to mine at the opposite side of the room, and we gave each other a wary look and a vague smile as if to say "you look like an actor, we're probably here for the same thing, but I'm not going to talk to you because that's just weird' 

A few minutes later the man with the plan arrived with a gaggle of actors in tow,  and proceeded to set up. 

Everyone there seemed to be what I call 'proper' actors. You know the type, loud booming voices with perfect RP, and a laugh that booms and echoes everywhere for a thousand years. I couldn't have felt more out of place if I tried. What the hell was I doing here? I hadn't even prepared properly! I'm just a girl from Kettering thrown into a mix of posh people, hoping to not get thrown out for trying to be something I'm not. I was absolutely terrified.

Thankfully, my first sonnet was 125, so I had a few hours to watch other people, steal tips, and keep myself to myself. Plus, I wanted to hear them all. I wasn't going all that way for 45 minutes to read 3 sonnets!

Everyone was so good! Especially the highly attractive gentleman who had learned his off by heart, swot. I felt the pressure mounting as we got further down the list, and even more so when a man from the Royal Shakespeare Company showed up. Oh my days. 

Part of me wanted to impress him, and part of me wanted him to go away in case I screwed it up and cried. We all know that's a possibility. 

I was relieved when he left a good chunk before mine. He had filmed some stuff, and spoken to a few people, he'd had his fill. Or so I thought. He came back about an hour later, just a little bit before I went on! Thankfully I had some supporters in the crowd, my adorable uni housemate Nic and her boyfriend James, and two people I had met while also at uni when working in ASDA! The nerves hit me at sonnet 124 but there was no backing out now. I just went for it, and it was fine! I still felt incredibly out of my depth but I was there, I did it and I was happy. Result. The rest went well too, and after just over 4 hours, it was complete. 

Nic and James said I should go and harass the man from the RSC but I was too scared. They made a move for me and I ended up standing next to him looking sheepish as he complimented my shoes. At least I was memorable for something!

A couple of hours spent with my chums eating cake and talking nonsense ensued, and then began the journey home. I was exhausted, but still made the effort to go to my parents charity quiz night and helped out a blundering team so they didn't finish last! ;)

I finally stumbled through the door at midnight, and started to fret as I wasn't sure whether my phone would automatically change the time for daylight saving or not. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I had rollercoaster duties in the morning and I didn't want to be late on my first day. It was a thankfully easy day as the weather decided to be dreadful so there were only a handful of customers in the park, so I got a lot of catching up done, as well as pondering what would happen if humans had beaks. You had to be there.

It was back to Neverland when I got home, and the construction of my Peter Pan costume began. And oh my goodness it looks marvellous, even if I do say so myself. I'm pretty sure I'll be attempting to squeeze into it at some point!

And that was my week. I still didn't get a lay-in this morning as I took my dad to work befor embarking on another afternoon of show business before rehearsal, but I've accomplished a whole lot in 7 days, and I'm back on track. 

Yes the next few weeks are going to be hectic with working four jobs. But I'm I'm actually cheerful. I know it's not because of the weather(!), maybe it's the accomplishment. I don't know, but things seem to be on the up. I'll continue that I think!

Be good, 

Nxxx

PS, Natalie's Nugget: I bought a whistle to control the kids that I teach. It worked, their faces contorted in fear on Friday, it was priceless!!

Back in the game...

Regular readers will note that I was nice and chipper at the end of my last blog post, and I'm glad to report that that hasn't changed. Phew!

StageWrite 2015 (see previous post for details if you've been living under a rock) put me back in a wondrous headspace, so I eagerly jumped out of bed (well, I wouldn't go that far, it is me after all) and got ready to attack my upcoming shows with a new sense of awesomeness.

The week has flown by, but my productivity levels were at an all-time high. I eagerly raced home from my cleaning job every day to see what delights the postman had delivered, tore open the packaging with all the excitement of a child at Christmas, and whooped hysterically and immediately tried on every costume that had made its way to me. It turns out I can't fit into childrens clothes any more. Who knew?

Meetings were also on the agenda, but naturally being me, I had been forgotten about so they didn't happen(!) but that meant that I got more work done so that was fine by me!

With last week still gloriously rolling around my head, I found myself coming up with ideas for a script of my own to start writing, with the possibility of submitting it to next years StageWrite (which is definitely happening, huzzah!) if I dare.

Thankfully in one of my other jobs I work with a brilliant woman who is delightfully funny and is the basis for the play that I have ideas in my head for, and I spent most of my last cleaning job on Tuesday rolling around on the floor insanely laughing, trying to blink back the tears in my eyes so that I could write down all of the comedy gold that was flowing from her mouth. I told her she was going to be the basis of a play and she loved it, but insisted on me changing her name, and promptly suggesting herself one, and one for me too! So as well as having three plays on the go now, I'm writing my next show for the kids that I teach, and have started this play too. Who needs sleep?

Apparently me. By the time Friday arrived, I was completely exhausted. So much that I didn't even know what to do with myself, and by 3pm with two hours of teaching ahead immediately followed by a three hour dance class, I wasn't in the mood to speak to anyone. But teach I did, and I was very happy with the progress that we made in lessons. A few more lessons with Nasty Natalie and I think we'll be on track. Fingers crossed.

Saturday saw my sewing machine come out of hiding and I made more costumes for my tiny little actors. The skirts I made them are incredibly cute, but I was very concerned that they might be too small. But then again, I forget how small that humans are at a young age, and I measured them all so I think they'll be okay.

I actually found time to go out last night too! I went out for dinner for a friends birthday, followed by drinks. I don't know whether it was too much food, or impending old age, but we were home by midnight, before all the youths even got out into town, and I was fast asleep in their spare room before they had even made it to their bedroom. It seems my hectic lifestyle really is taking its toll. I had the most beautiful nights sleep and I could have slept the day away if it wasn't for the fact that I had to go into work today for customer service training. Ugh.

It was cringeworthy in the most horrific of ways. Staff members trying to be upbeat and cool when trying to deliver pointless information which everyone with a brain knows anyway (- when dealing with a customer, smile!) and using clips from Beauty and The Beast and Catherine Tate to try to explain good customer service really made me want the floor to open up and swallow me whole. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job and the people that I work with, but when companies force things down your throat like that it enrages me. I'm 29 years old, I know how to talk to people and how to be polite. Believe me, my acting degree has been worth every penny when it comes to faking being nice to people. I use it every day, don't lecture me!

So customer service training over, and my first shift is next weekend. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through. Cleaning weekdays, followed by teaching at night, followed by working probably both days of the weekend means I'll be working 7 days a week, and that's not including all of the extra hours I have to put into working on my shows that I normally start doing at around 8pm every night until my eyes give in and I fall asleep in the early hours to wake up around 4 am with my laptop burning my face and I'm surrounded by various pages of script from seven different plays.

But it has to be done. There are only 61 days until my Neverland shows, and with a to-do list longer than both arms, there's no time to stop. And my bank balance is pitiful, so I can't turn down any work at all.

I'm set for another insanely busy week, with all four jobs on the go, as well as squeezing in two meet ups with friends, and taking my brothers dog to the vet (first time meeting him, he will hate me!) so I think the next time I'll get a sleep will be next Monday! Wish me luck, and send Red Bull, I'm going to need a bucketload!

Be good,

Nxxx

Natalie's Nugget: Tickets are now on sale for both Neverland shows, tickets available on 01536 414141 or via www.masquekettering.co.uk

New writing? Yes please!

I'm all alone, tapping away at my laptop, with nowhere to go on a, quite frankly, average Sunday. Well, I'm not sure if can be classed as average yet, considering it's only 10.18am, but all I've done so far this morning is check my social media apps on my phone and remove fish faeces from my neglected goldfish tank. I'm a terrible mother.

I'm quite surprised at how un-sad I feel. I've had the most brilliant week that I didn't want to end, but I've come out of it surprisingly buoyant.

Yep, StageWrite week was fabulous. From Monday to Saturday I trundled along the A6 to Bedford to rehearse and perform four brand new pieces of writing. It was the third time that this has happened; the marvellous No Loss Productions and LifeBox Theatre companies started it off in 2013, and I've been lucky enough to have been a part of it every year so far.
I was asked a while back if I was interested in being part of it, immediately responded to the email with a big fat yes, noted the dates and promptly forgot about it. I had also been asked if I would like to direct one of the pieces. I politely declined, I'm only used to shouting at children in my 'directing', I wasn't sure I was ready to take on people over the age of 17 just yet.

I burst through the doors of The Place Theatre with more pizazz than John Barrowman's jazz hands on Monday afternoon. A rehearsal for one of the other plays was just finishing up so my "Oh my God it's so good to see you again" greetings to everyone were done in a tiny whisper and exaggerated facial expressions of glee. I didn't know the actors currently rehearsing so I sat down to watch the end of their rehearsal before getting introduced, and noticed how amazing they were. I hadn't acted in some time, I needed to dig out my skills from somewhere again. I wasn't going to show myself up!

We kicked off our rehearsal for the first play that I would be performing in, 'Voucher', which saw a wide variety of characters locked in a supermarket and forced to talk to each other. Since the last StageWrite I have written several of my own scripts, only for the children that I teach, but I began to see things from a different perspective. When I was reading through the script when it had been sent to me, I found myself thinking how differently I would have done things and I realised that maybe I could actually write something myself... Anyway, It wasn't for me to judge, but to perform it as best as we could so that the writer could see how it worked. With the writer in the room it was an unusual rehearsal, but she didn't say a word and let us get on with it. It was only a short but sweet rehearsal time on Monday, so I raced back for a lesson with my Neverland actors, full of beans after a fabulous afternoon.

Tuesday was a very mixed bag. I had to be at the theatre for 9am(!), but of course in my madness I had decided to get up even earlier than I had to for a morning swim. I had absolutely no idea what the first play I was in was all about! That's not to say I didn't enjoy it, but if you asked me to explain it to you I probably wouldn't know where to start! Thankfully our wonderful director had dug up information on a story that was part of the play, so it began to make more sense to me, but I'm not going to lie, I was still pretty clueless! It was the second play of the week in which I would remain pretty motionless, too. In 'Voucher' I spent half of my time on stage unconscious, and in 'Stranger To Myself' I had a lovely time just sitting in a chair staring out in front of me pretending to be blind! Who said acting was tough?!? ;)


Another play was rehearsed before I got to tackle my next script of the day, so I tried to distract myself in the theatre, half-listening to the rehearsal happening, without wanting to know too much about it before I saw it being performed later in the week. I was quite successful at doing that, as I was pleasantly surprised when I watched it on Friday night, despite having heard bits and pieces that filtered into my brain as I was deciphering logic problems in my puzzle book. Don't judge me!

Then came a glorious rehearsal. 'Intercourse'. From the title you can probably imagine what the theme of the play was. From the very minute we started the rehearsal, right through to the end, we laughed like loons. It's an incredibly funny script, and the character opposite mine was such a bumbling fool that I was falling to pieces every 30 seconds at least. I have absolutely no idea how we managed to get through the whole script, but somehow we made it, and I went home with an aching stomach and a stupid grin on my face.

Wednesday arrived quicker than you could say 'show pants' and it was the first night of performances! Not only was I excited to be performing, but I couldn't wait to see the other pieces on offer too. 'Voucher' was on last, but there were two more plays before, so I settled down to watch 'Fit Piece' and 'Winter Light'. (I won't give too much away)
All I knew of 'Fit Piece' was that it had something to do with a gym, so I was quite shocked as the play developed in a way that I really wasn't expecting, and I began to see one of my friends who is a personal trainer in a while new light...
'Winter Light' was a ten minute piece that was beautiful, and made me cry at the end. It also brought to my attention the culinary wonder that is 'Egg In A Cup'. Google it, see if you can find it. I was tempted to have it for breakfast the next day, but I settled for a poached egg instead. I should have had egg in a cup, I managed to drop half of the shell in my poached egg... but that's another story.
We performed 'Voucher', and settled down for the post-show discussion, which I thought might take a turn for the interesting. It didn't go the way I thought, and some really constructive criticism came out for all three plays actually, and people were left very happy. Job done!

I rocked up again for the afternoon on Thursday for another rehearsal of 'A Stranger To Myself'. I began to find more understanding in the play during this rehearsal, and started to like it a lot more than I did during my first read, when I didn't have a clue! We had a mammoth tech, but (from what my blind self could see) it looked beautiful and the sounds that were used were brilliant. It had an amazing atmosphere.
We were on second that night, so I took my place in the audience again for the first piece, and was shocked and very pleasantly surprised to see my amazing friend and work husband John walk through the door. He hadn't told me he was coming, and it was so nice to have support there, and for him to come all the way over to Bedford to take a chance on something he knew nothing about was awesome. This is how it should be!

The first performance that night was 'The Interview', about a man going for a job interview in a school. Again, this was all I knew of the piece. It was brilliant! It took so many twists and turns and was so clever, and despite laughing almost all the way through, I felt so sorry for the central character. Absolutely amazing. Well done to all of the boys involved. Top marks to you all.
Stranger was next, and I felt surprisingly nervous. I wasn't sure whether I was more nervous for the performance, or the questions afterwards. Even though I had begun to understand the play more during the day, I would not know what to say at all if someone asked me a question about it! Thankfully it went well, and the questions asked at the end didn't really have much to do with the characters, it all kicked off in a discussion about surveillance in life, and how much we are being watched. I really thought punches might start to get thrown! Still, a lively debate always brightens up a Thursday night!

Friday made me smile. A lot. We rehearsed and performed 'Up Your Prana', which was set in a yoga centre. My character was the new receptionist, and encountered some of the most bizarre and brilliant characters that attended classes there. We only had the afternoon to rehearse this one, but it was fairly straightforward a story. It was also amazing to be directed by the wonderful Andy, who wrote a piece that I performed in at the very first StageWrite, and then saw perform his solo show in London last year. It was fascinating to see him in a directing sense, and I loved every second. I got the chance to flex my funny muscles, and eat sausage rolls at the same time. Perfect!

Also performed that night was 'Domino', the play that I was half listening to on Tuesday. Again, truly stunning performances from everyone involved, and it really did reflect a real cross section of humans, every character was incredibly well observed, you just knew that you have encountered someone exactly like that in each character.

And then came Saturday, the final night. It was another 9am start and time to get my kit off in a very chilly auditorium! Intercourse. We actually did really well in rehearsals, there were only a couple of moments in rehearsals when I completely lost it, but we found a lot more in it this time, and it was definitely my favourite piece of the week.
This time, we were performing first, and I've never been more glad. My nerves were at an all-time high. It is such a brilliant piece of writing and I really didn't want to screw it up. Nervous tweeting from the green room ensued, as did sweaty palms, and a feeling of nausea, but as soon as I stepped out onto the stage, it all disappeared and I had the most fun performing it. And as a bonus, nobody ran away when I took my clothes off, huzzah! :D
I was incredibly proud of myself for not breaking out into laughter, especially since the play had reduced me to hysterical tears only hours before. I came out thinking we had done it justice, and I spoke to the writer afterwards and he was incredibly happy with it, and was highly complimentary. Phew! I'd love to work on it again. Hmmm...

The final piece of the week was 'Cyprus Sunsets', written and performed by the aforementioned Andy. He was phenomenal. It was the third of his plays about a character called 'Me', and this time, he was in (any guesses?) Cyprus. I don't want to give anything away because I know it's going to be performed again, but it was just brilliant. Look it up, and go and watch it!

And that was it. During the Q&A session for Andy's play, it hit me that the week was finally over, and I had to wipe away a couple of tears with my poncho.
This week has not been about acting. It's all about the writing, and helping the writers to develop their work, but it's really given me a huge kick. It didn't take me long to realise how much acting means to me. I have been the happiest this week than I have been in a very long time, and it's because I've been doing the thing that I love most in the world, with some of the best people that I know. I've met some amazing, wonderful and stupidly talented people along the way, and hopefully I'll get to work with them again.
I know now that I need to focus on getting back out there. It's all very well people saying to me that they have plans and would love for them to come together, I need to make them actually happen instead of waiting for things to be confirmed.
And if no-one else wants to hire me, than I'll write something for myself! I've already got an idea in my head, I'm going to put it into action.
Who cares if it's terrible? It's my first attempt, everyone starts somewhere. And thanks to things like StageWrite, I know that there's people out there willing to help and get stuff out.

So thank you, StageWrite, you have been brilliant in more ways than you could ever imagine. New writing? Yes please!

Moving forward, stepping back, and various states of undress...

Here we are again! I'll try to be concise, I don't think anyone actually expects a dissertation-length post every time I post a link to this, but I feel like it's been a while since I was last here. Wow, already rambling, I do apologise.

So, I think when I last left you, things were actually going well! Apart from my shower wobble, which I have been informed was 'sharing too much', sorry Ivan!

I've actually found time to spend with my friends recently, which is exactly what I needed. I spend far too much time working (I can't help it though, everything has to be perfect!), but it has been nice to catch up with people that I haven't seen in a very long time and talk about normal life whilst eating chicken. Lovely!

I also decided to take a week off from thinking about my upcoming shows, which has probably set me back a little bit, but I do feel better for taking a step back and not panicking about every little detail that I can't do anything about until the week of the show.

But things are getting back on track now, our Peter Pan sequel script is complete (unless we change things as we go along!), rehearsals for both shows are coming along nicely, and I'm pretty chuffed with our progress. A little breakdown every now and then seems to do me the world of good! I'm now just on the perilous hunt for props and costumes for almost 80 children, no biggie!

Personal life wise, my life is still a constant joke, another classic example happened last week when I plucked up the courage to go speed dating, for nobody else to show up(!) but hey, that's another chapter in my autobiography, and possibly another scene in a farcical play of my life that I probably wouldn't even get cast in!

I headed back over to Loughborough last weekend to participate in Chorus Theatre's Play-In-A-Day, which pretty much sums up exactly what it is! We were given 10 props and had to create a play around them and perform it at night in front of an audience. We ended up creating a very funny whodunit involving (amongst other things) a banana. (You had to be there!) I was a magicians assistant, one of my childhood dreams came true!

I had a very strange few days last week when I received emails and job offers with one recurring theme, and I began to wonder if someone was spreading rumours about me. I was offered a film job that I had applied for a couple of weeks beforehand, and was quite happy about it, until I got to the bottom of the email which read, "I just thought I'd make you aware that there is a sex scene involved but it isn't graphic and there's little nudity. Hope that's okay." Erm, what now? Nowhere in the casting breakdown did it mention any of this, and the next day, once the shock had left me, I wrote a very polite but firm response stating that I wouldn't be taking the job. What else would they spring on me while I was there?!? I think not!
I also had a message from someone I worked with at Halloween, asking me if I would like to audition for a play that he is doing later in the year. Obviously I said yes... turns out the character is a stripper! The next day I received another script that I'd be working on, and my character in that is a hooker! Either I've become highly desirable or someone is spreading stuff around about me that I'd rather they didn't! It's probably the latter!

Next week sees me back in Bedford for the always fabulous StageWrite festival, a week of new writing which I am lucky enough to be performing in every night. I'm acting in 4 very different plays, all of which are miles apart from last years selections and I'm really excited to be heading back and getting stuck in. (You can find all the details on my Facebook page)

Tomorrow I have another business lunch(!) regarding a film project, and I received an email on Monday night about a play that is hopefully going to be performed in the autumn too. Naturally I have done even more research for my next script, for which I have also been reprimanded. Sorry, John! (Seriously, I can't win with these men!)

After a couple of months of feeling miserable, I decided that for the whole of March I would try to find something positive in every day (and non work related) to make me realise that it's not actually all bad and that I do have lots of fun things going on in my life, and take a photo of it. It's only 4th March, but I'm doing alright so far! Plus, I bought myself a fabulous new handbag after work today, because a little bit of retail therapy always helps things along! I also bought myself a poncho cape at the weekend, my goodness I look fabulous in it! ;)

Helping me along with feeling good is knowing that I have done something good for other people and this week has been a double-whammy already. I've donated literally half of the clothes in my wardrobe to charity (now I really don't have anything to wear!), and I donated my seventh pint of blood! Saving people's lives never felt so good!

I shall try and post lots of exciting things during next week's StageWrite but I'm not promising anything, I'll be juggling that with all of my other jobs too, and I'll have to find at least 1 hours sleep a night!

Be nice to people,

Nxxx

Natalie's Nugget: This week it isn't show related, but... I have bought myself a beret! I'm totally bringing them back. Watch this space! Bye x

Shower issues, Neverland begins, and being away with the fairies...

It happens every time. Every single time. And it's so annoying!!

As you could probably tell from the ending of my last blog post, I wasn't particularly happy. It happens every now and then in this stupid career choice of mine. I get so frustrated at not having any work, I cry myself to sleep every night and then once you think that life can't throw any more crap at you, you wake up to an audition offer. Although that wasn't quite the case on Tuesday as it turned out to be two audition offers and a job offer. That's more like it! It's safe to say that my mood had lightened enormously.

I skipped about all day on Tuesday, despite having to go to one of my normal person jobs, had a lovely time working on a scene from Cinderella with one of the classes that I teach, and went to bed with a smile on my face for the first time in a very long while.

I woke up on Wednesday still relatively chipper, and managed to land another audition, which kept the grin on my face for a while. And then it was off to normal person job again. I won't lie to you, I clean people's houses. Yep, someone's got to do it. Most of the time I find it quite therapeutic, until you come across something you really don't want to(!), and it gives me time to think about things as I don't have to talk to anyone! On Wednesday that wasn't the best thing for me...

It finally sunk in how much work there is to do on my upcoming shows, and I started to regret deciding to put two productions on the same day. I realised that I had been totally organised in casting, scripts, letter writing to parents, costume forms etc, but I hadn't put a single second's thought into how I was actually going to stage the shows. At all. Panic started to set in. When you find yourself crying in a stranger's shower whilst holding a bottle of bleach, you have to start questioning your own sanity.

I managed to pull myself together and continue scrubbing without drawing attention to myself. (Being a trained actor comes in very handy when you need a fake smile!) I went home and spent the night whacking out extra lines for our ongoing script, and spent a while pinging emails and texts back and forth to my writing partner, with script pieces and music ideas. We had shot past the deadline that I wanted to have a completed script by, but I wasn't as panicked as I thought I would be. Turns out that writing your own original play is bloody hard, especially when you've got to keep a class of 24 teenagers happy!

I only had a short day of cleaning on Thursday, so I fully intended to settle down with my Peter Pan script and make some sort of plan, but I had had so many people asking me questions about it that I really didn't want to think about it until I had to. In hindsight that was a terrible idea, however, I came up with the perfect idea for my next production(!) and spent the afternoon perfecting the first music track for it! I know, I know, I haven't even finished the script for this one yet. But whenever I get an idea in my head I have to go with it, no matter how much I have on my plate. Oops.

Nothing solidified my regret of my actions as much as when 4pm on Friday afternoon rolled around. Our first official 'Peter Pan' rehearsal was here, and I still had no idea of what I was doing. Now that I think about it, I didn't really know what I was doing with 'Oliver Twist', I just kinda winged it and it turned out pretty darned good if you ask me! But that was then and this is now. I hastily cobbled together a scene and hoped for the best. And it went really well! I'm confident in the casting, everyone pulled their weight straight away. Of course, they all wanted to ask me a million questions about the show, none of which I could answer, but that was one scene roughly blocked which gets a tick in my book!

I also measured up all of my little fairies, which meant that on Saturday morning I could go and buy lots of pretty fabrics and get sewing! I had drawn a picture of what I wanted them to look like, and after almost an hour in the fabric shop, I staggered home and sat down to my trusty sewing machine. Five and a half hours later I had made 11 fairy dresses, and all that was left was to sew sequins on them. Four days later and I'm regretting the sequins, and I've fallen out with my Tinker Bell dress as I decided to cover it in about a thousand bells and it's so noisy! But they look so pretty, I made a good choice!

I also got to read a script that was sent to me by my lovely friend Peter, who I work with at Wicksteed Park (Yes, another job. Told you I'm a busy person!) He has a web series called News Man, and somehow I've managed to blag myself a role in it, so he had sent me the script for my perusal. I love it! I'm not going to give anything away just yet, but it's very funny and actually made me laugh out loud! I'm so excited to be a part of it.

My final high of the week came from the lovely Craig, who was my director on a film I did back in 2013. He has new projects in the pipeline and got in contact with me to see if we could meet for a chat to discuss future plans. Erm, of course we can! Exciting!

I chained myself to my printer on Sunday night as I began to put together Second Star scripts to give out on Monday, which bizarrely my printer decided to produce in green ink, before running out and I hadn't even got through the entirety of Act 1. Naturally the class all kicked off at not having much of a script despite my protestations that MY PRINTER RAN OUT OF INK!!! But we began to put together a couple of scenes, and Neverland began to come to life in it's new form.


Since then my week has been a hazy mix of bathroom cleaner and sequins, but tomorrow sees us working on draft 4 of 'Second Star To The Right', and fingers crossed we'll almost get to a completed script. Ish.

I'd better go off and plan the scenes I'm going to be working on on Friday, as well as a cute Valentine's Day themed lesson for my youngest group(!), and then prepare for lessons next week. My Corby class are working towards a Disney themed show, and what have they requested for next week? Yep, Peter Pan. Something tells me I'm going to need a whole lot of pixie dust...

Nxxx

Natalie's Nugget: I got really excited last night when my writing partner sent me text that started with 'Addition to Tink and Freddie's scene'. It then launched into dialogue from an episode of 'Friends' where Joey is in a terrible play! Send help... ;)

Nervous editing, casting revealed, and a whole lotta thinking...

It's been another rollercoaster week, and one that has flown by in an instant...

As well as working various normal person jobs, I was chained to my printer as I put together 40-something scripts for my 'Peter Pan' cast. Yep, Friday saw the big reveal of casting, and I wasn't looking forward to it one little bit. I'd been working all day and was exhausted, was already running behind schedule by 9.20am due to snow, and a sense of doom had been hanging over my head for several days.

In my (fairly non-existent) acting career, I try to forget about an audition as soon as possible. The chances are that I won't get the job. It's not me being pessimistic, I just know how competitive it is, and any yes is just a bonus in the ridiculous world of acting that I have chosen to be a part of. But being on the other side of the table is another matter altogether. I had made the casting decisions all by myself, and I was the only person who knew the entirety of the cast list as I was announcing it.

I knew that with a cast of over 50 who all competed for the same 6 roles, there would be disappointment. I tried to get it over and done with as quickly as I could. There were some lovely reactions, and most of the cast were extremely supportive of others, even when they were clearly disappointed when the role that they wanted went to someone else. And this time around, my casting only made one person cry, so that was an achievement.

Of course the backlash arrived later on in the evening and I had to bite my tongue behind the safety of my computer screen, but that's just the way it goes. I couldn't write 40 main characters in the play or we'd still be performing the thing a year from now. Next time I'm hiring someone else to do the casting, I might go on holiday for a while and then just come back when it's sorted! ;)

But at least I'd had one good day during the week. On Thursday, the editing of 'Second Star To The Right' began. I was determined to have the script completed by Saturday, but I didn't know what a mammoth task lay before us. We met at 11.30am (in a pub!), and settled down with our computers to begin the task. I was so unbelievably nervous. I knew that I couldn't be too protective over what I had written. This was a team effort, and we were allowed to rip each others words to pieces safe in the knowledge that it was for the good of the play. We had read each others half of the script and had told each other that we had loved it, and now it was time to get serious and say it like it really was.

The first two scenes were mine. I took a deep breath and prepared for the honest truth. And it turned out to be absolutely fine! For six hours we managed to storm through the whole play, editing like crazy and laughing all the way through. There were moments when we mocked each others wording, (mostly mine), cringed at awkward moments that definitely should never have been written (Tiger-Lily and her redskins running off to start a pop band- ouch!), and falling in love with expertly constructed lines that made us smile, cry and say "ooh"! I don't know why I was so nervous about it! Of course, people still might hate it when they watch it, but we were incredibly happy with it. After six hours, we had to call it a day. My brain had definitely given up, and with so many more things to add in after cruelly cutting 800 words from draft 1, we needed time away from it to think things over.

Of course, being obsessed with it, I was still looking over it at night, and in my absolute horror, I realised something terrible. I had missed someone off the cast list, meaning that not only did we still have so much work to do, we now had to do extra, as we had to create another new character. Oops!

Saturday arrived, and I was so excited! I was finally going to be Elsa from Frozen for a birthday party! It was such a fun afternoon. I rocked the pink eyeshadow, my dress looked amazing, and the kids absolutely loved me! They didn't want to do any activities that I tried to do with them, they just wanted to talk to me and make snow from polystyrene, but that was fine with me!

After a quick exit and race back home, it was time to go out again, this time to Milton Keynes to an 80's party! I went with my Second Star writing partner and my goodness, we rocked our outfits! We looked so good! I had so much fun, but the morning after brought with it the knowledge that we had more script work to do. Laptops in hand, we made our way to another drinking establishment(!) and sat down for round two. Naturally, considering the fragile state of our minds, things didn't progress as well as they did on Thursday, but we still managed a fair chunk, and got so close to the finish line that we were satisfied with our afternoon's work.

And then came today. Audition day number two. Sequel day. This one was a more relaxed affair, we had two hours to audition 24 actors, rather than my 43 in an hour that I did two weeks ago. Again, everyone was so good that it made it really difficult to cast, but we made our decisions right there and then, and almost everyone was happy with their roles. Result!
I'd been in a sad mood all day, but at least with casting done, that was another load off my mind.


We still have more work to do on the script, I should be writing it right now, but it's 1.30am and I'm taking a break because I'm annoyed that I can't think of happy thoughts to get John and Michael to Neverland. I'll probably end up pulling an all-nighter again,, as I still have a lesson plan and script to write for my Corby class in 14.5 hours!
I know it's my own fault for not being able to think of happy thoughts because I've not been happy all day.

I'm having one of my "what am I doing?" moments and it sucks. It all boils down to the weekend. We had decided to come up with a story to anyone new that we met at the party about what we did for a living. It was a funny idea, but I clearly forgot everything about it once we got out as I told everyone that I was a drama teacher. I didn't know that I'd said that until I was told the next morning, but since then it has been playing on my mind. I was so angry with myself for saying it. Acting comes first, it always has, and I felt that by telling people that I was a teacher, I'd given up, and it really upset me. Of course I like doing it, I'd quit if I hated it, but it's not number one. Acting is the only thing in the world that truly makes me happy, and as I'm not doing any of it, I'm not happy, and I don't want to be miserable. I see people that I've acted with in the past doing wonderful things and I feel like I'm getting left behind. Without wanting to sound big headed, I know that I'm good, and I don't want to never act again. I've only had one audition this year so far, and that was my self-taped abomination that I never heard back from, so things aren't looking great. I spent a lot of time being really upset about it today, and not knowing what on earth I'm going to do next.

Before writing this post I applied for three very different acting jobs, all of which would be amazing, but of course there's no guarantee that anyone will even want to audition me. It's a cruel, cruel world. I just wish I was good at something else and then I might have a chance of achieving something.

But tomorrow is back to normal person work, saving up money that won't be going to me, because yet again I'm putting other people before myself. I know deep down that it's for all the right reasons, but my goodness I'd love a holiday. Just one week away from everything in the blazing sunshine would be glorious. As it is, I'd be lucky to be able to afford a day in Great Yarmouth this year!

Wow, that got depressing quite quickly! I do apologise! Hopefully next week will bring you something brighter! Anyway, 1.45am, I've got work to do! Night!

Nxxx

PS, Natalie's Nugget- Today my Jolly Roger flag arrived. It is so huge that I wore it as a dress around the house for about ten minutes.